


A Therapeutic Chain of Events

by justadashofformaldehyde (orphan_account)



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Brallon(kinda), Dallon's mean, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Hospital AU, Panic Attacks, Ryden, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:27:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27139348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/justadashofformaldehyde
Summary: Brendon feels too little. Ryan feels too much. For two boys in a mental hospital, they might be each other's only cure.
Relationships: Brendon Urie/Dallon Weekes, Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph, Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie, Ryan Seaman/Dallon Weekes
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Scent Of Dead Skin on a Linoleum Floor](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10703157) by [TaylorLives](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaylorLives/pseuds/TaylorLives). 



> I'm not really a writer, but I'm going to do my best to write this, sorry if it's awkward or bad. I would love feedback and suggestions for changes/future plot points, because I don't really have a plan right now and I find myself constantly rewriting things and disliking things I've written. I was reading a fic about Ryan and Brendon in a mental health institution together (The Scent of Dead Skin on the Linoleum Floor, by TaylorLives, if you’re wondering) and I got inspired to keep the idea of Ryan and Brendon in the hospital together but basically change everything else. I don’t really know what I’m doing with this, and I’m trying to add a new shortish chapter every few days, but I think this will be a slower burn with lots of shorter chapters updated frequently. Let me know what you think, and stay safe. 
> 
> (Also, sorry if the formatting is messed up, I'm new to AO3)

“Brendon?” The nurse knocked lightly on the door and Brendon sat up. “Yeah?”

‘’This is Ryan, he’s going to be staying in your room. Show him around, OK? I’ll see you guys at dinner.” The nurse gave Brendon a small smile and gently nudged a tall brunette boy forward, as if turning him over to Brendon.

The tall boy stumbled forward and stood like his legs were too long for his body. Biting his lip, as if feeling sorry for the person in his company, he broke the heavy silence. “Hi.”

“What are you here for?” Brendon said matter-of-factly. He stood up and took a bag from Ryan’s hand, tossing it onto the opposite bed, turning his back to the boy.

“Uh,” Ryan paused. Why would the dark-haired boy just ask him, as if anyone here had a simple answer. “What do you mean?”

Brendon smirked and laughed softly. “What? You’re not here because you want to be, what’s your issue?” He sat back down on his bed, laying back and staring at the ceiling.

“Anxiety and stuff,” Ryan said slowly, choosing his words carefully. He sat down on the other bed, not as comfortable as the other boy, but sitting stiffly and not knowing where to place his gaze. Brendon nodded, still staring at the ceiling.

“You?” Ryan asked hesitantly.

“Trauma ‘n shit.” Ryan looked to the opposite wall, unable to see Brendon’s lip twitch as he spoke, despite his indifferent tone. Brendon inhaled sharply and ran a hand through his dark, thick hair. Brendon sat up in his bed and looked intently at the boy. “Hey.” He watched the boy’s eyes raise to meet his gaze. “I’m Brendon.”

“-M Ryan.” His face was simple, like a porcelain canvas with no color except for two sparkling brown eyes.

Ryan snuck a glance at his round, deep brown eyes, and full lips, pouted naturally in a resting face of judgement. Brendon sighed and turned to look at the boy. “How old are you?”

Ryan exhaled, as if expecting a difficult question when Brendon spoke. “18. You?”

“19.” “We have to go to dinner in a minute, but you don’t have to eat anything or stay. The nurses don’t really care.” Brendon paused and stood up. “The freedom is nice here. Better than any fucking institution they could put us in.”

Ryan nodded awkwardly and stood up, following Brendon out of the room and into the hall. The hall was empty, and smelled like citrus disinfectant and rubber. The younger boy’s beat-up sneakers squeaked on the floors until they reached a door with a window strip in the center and gridded wire, reminding Ryan of his high school classrooms.

Brendon swung the door open and held it back, gesturing for Ryan to go ahead of him. The room didn’t seem like a “cafeteria” in Ryan’s mind, as it was decently small. But, it was fluorescently lit, and it had the lingering smell of stale cafeteria food. Brendon put his hand on Ryan’s shoulder and pushed him gently towards a short line of boys holding trays. “C’mon.”

Brendon grabbed a plastic tray off a tall stack, leaving Ryan to fall in behind him and grab his own tray. The dark-haired boy grabbed an orange and tossed it playfully in the air before catching it and returning it to his tray. Grabbing two slices of pizza and tossing them onto a paper plate, he left the line without bothering to look back at Ryan. Ryan quickly grabbed an apple, not wanting to hold up the line and wanting to sit down as soon as possible.

He stepped away from the line and looked around at the few tables for a seat. A tall boy with a strong jawline and fluffy brown hair looked at him for a moment before glaring down at the floor. Ryan gave him a small, tight smile as thoughts rushed through his mind. Where was Brendon sitting? How long had he been standing there, looking like a lost idiot? Did people notice that he was new? He turned his head and saw Brendon sitting with his back against a wall, looking at Ryan. He gestured for Ryan to come over. Ryan stumbled over and sat across the round table from Brendon.

He looked down at the single apple on his tray and didn’t make eye contact with the boy across from him.

“That’s all?” Brendon said earnestly, eyeing Ryan’s tray.

“I’m not really hungry.” Ryan looked up and brushed his feathery hair away from his face, letting his elbow rest on the table and his chin sit in his hand.

Brendon nodded and began to eat his pizza. Ryan watched the boy quickly eat his first slice and start a second. Ryan gulped and cleared his throat. “You don’t have to sit with me, uh, if you don’t want to. You can sit with your friends.”

Brendon didn’t look up but stopped eating for a moment. “Nah, there’s nobody here worth sitting with. Half of them will have a meltdown if you look at them the wrong way. I don’t mind Dallon, but he’s in one of his moods.”

Ryan looked up curiously, wondering how a boy in a psych ward could act so… normal. “Which one’s Dallon?”

Brendon pointed to the tall boy that had stared at Ryan only minutes earlier. “Oh.”

“He’s normal, but if you talk to him at the wrong time, he’ll bite your head off.”

Ryan nodded with his eyes wide. “Oh.” He said again. Why would he just say “oh” like an idiot? He rolled his eyes at his own stupidity and wondered what Brendon was thinking about. As Brendon ate and his gaze jumped around the room, Ryan took a moment to look at the boy. His eyes were dark and perhaps wider than his own. His lips looked soft and full and his jaw was sharp, contrasting his soft, dark hair that seemed to defy gravity in messy perfection.

Ryan quickly stopped staring as Brendon finished his pizza and looked at Ryan. “I’m going to head back to the room. If you’re not going to eat, you can come with me.” Brendon said, looking at the uneaten apple.

Ryan looked down at his tray. “I, uh-”

Brendon exhaled, kicking himself for engaging with the boy when he was so clearly flustered.. “It’s fine, it’s just down the hall. I’ll probably be asleep if you come in later.” He turned around, leaving his tray on the table and leaving the cafeteria before Ryan could tell him that he wasn’t going to eat and wanted to leave with him.

Ryan shook his head at his own awkwardness and looked at the dirty floor. Now he would have to wait before he left, so Brendon wouldn’t think he was clingy or stupid.

Brendon opened the door to his room, slapping the light switch upward and kicking his untied Converse off onto the floor. He leaned down to the side of his bed and lifted an acoustic Fender guitar by its neck. He sat on his bed, crooking his neck down to look at the glossy brown body. He traced his rough fingers over the strings and sighed into the silence before slowly dragging his hand down into a C chord, and kept strumming until he closed his eyes and muttered lyrics.

_Coming out of my cage, and I’ve been doing just fine, gotta gotta_ \- The door swung open and Brendon paused, watching Ryan walk in and stop, seeing the guitar in the boy’s hands. “Oh. I can go and-”

“No, no, you’re fine. I was about to sleep anyway.”

“It’s ok, you can keep playing if you want.”

Brendon looked up and watched the boy stoop over his bed to unpack some clothes. “You sure?”

“Yeah.”

He responded by gently strumming downward. “I never...” he sang softly.

Ryan smiled. He loved The Killers. He folded a couple t-shirts and walked them over to an empty dresser, humming softly as Brendon sang gently, almost not wanting Ryan to listen to him.

Brendon sighed and stopped playing abruptly, tired and embarrassed to have Ryan hear his fingers trip clumsily over the strings, but Ryan continued to gently hum and finally sang the last line softly.

‘ _Cause I’m Mr. Brightside_.

He smiled at Brendon, more comfortable than earlier, and Brendon chuckled, leaning forward to place his guitar beside his bed. “You can sing, you know.”

Ryan smiled wider than he had all day. “Thanks. I used to play with my buddy Spencer, but...” He gestured to the room. “Not anymore.” He laughed, but quickly frowned, thinking about how many days it had been since he last held a guitar.

“Oh, you play?” Brendon’s eyes lit up and he reached back down for his guitar. “Here!” He stood up.

“Oh, no, it’s ok.” Ryan sighed and looked at the shiny, brown Fender. “Maybe another time. I’m tired.”

“Oh, ok.” Brendon set the guitar down again and pulled the sheets on his bed back before lying down, turning away from Ryan on his side. Ryan took that as a cue and turned the lights off, slipping his jeans off in the dark and climbing into his bed. Brendon was already half-asleep, his breathing slow and rhythmic. Ryan sighed softly, keeping his eyes open in the dark, looking at the ceiling and waiting for sleep that would never come.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Description of a panic attack, semi-graphic description of self-harm
> 
> I tried to introduce some minor characters and show some more vulnerable sides of Brendon and Ryan in this chapter. I don't really know when I want Ryan and Brendon's relationship to truly develop into something, but this is kind of an awkward starting point for them. I hope you enjoy!

Ryan felt a hand on his shoulder and instinctively slapped it away, opening his eyes to see Brendon standing over him. “Oh- sorry.”

Brendon stepped back and watched the boy sit up. “It’s ok. We have group before breakfast, though, so we have to leave in a minute. Do you have morning meds? The nurses will bring them in.”

“Uh, I don’t think so.” Ryan said. He used to be on meds, but watching his dad in the hospital made him less inclined to take them regularly. Ryan stood up and ran his long fingers through his hair, squinting at the lights and retrieving a t-shirt he had folded the night before. He turned his back to Brendon and changed his shirt, pulling on the same jeans from the day before.

Brendon walked past him and closed the bathroom door. Ryan pulled out his phone to check the time and saw a missed call from his mom. He sighed, sliding his phone into his back pocket and folded a couple pairs of jeans before Brendon came out wearing a Green Day shirt and a worn leather jacket too big for his lanky frame.

“Are you ready? Group’s in like 5 minutes.” Brendon said, grabbing his phone off his bed and sliding it into his pocket.

“Yeah,” said Ryan. As Brendon turned towards the door, Ryan rubbed his eyes and yawned. Ryan followed Brendon down a hall, making a couple turns before Brendon stopped at an open door.

The room looked like a classroom, with junky plastic chairs in a circle and dirty tile floors. Brendon walked in and slouched into a seat on the far side of the room, away from where a tall woman with glasses, high cheekbones, and a clipboard sat. Ryan followed him, leaving a chair in between them and nervously placing his hands under his legs, tapping his toes. Two boys filed into the room, one of them short with shadowed eyes and a resting grimace, the other with blue hair and sparkling, happy eyes. They sat together, next to the boy named Dallon.

The woman stood up and closed the door, taking a seat and looking at the large circle with too many chairs in it and flashing a smile. “So, how are you guys today?” She said, not really asking a question as she continued talking. “I’m Dr. Allen, for those new faces here today. Let’s go around, and just say a few words about why you’re here, and what one goal you have for yourself while you’re here is.” She gestured to her left to Dallon.

“Uh, I’m Dallon.” His voice was low, but soft. “I’m here for depression stuff and my goal is to get released from this hellhole soon.”

Dr. Allen pinched her lips together and watched the boy look at the ground after speaking. “Language, please. And getting released doesn’t mean your treatment is done, Dallon. You’re here for a reason, and we’re here to help you.” The boy rolled his eyes and let out a short exhale.

Dr. Allen paused and looked at the boy with blue hair sitting next to Dallon. The boy gave a small smile, looking around the circle. “Hi, I’m Josh. Uh, I’m here for depression and I don’t really know what I want to do.”

Dr. Allen looked at him for a moment and tapped the end of her pen against her clipboard gently. “OK, we can talk about your goals in self-esteem group later. Tyler?” She looked to Josh’s right.

The boy continued to stare at the ground and didn’t move. After a moment, he looked up. “-M Tyler, as you now know. I’m here for drug shit and anger.”

He looked down again and slouched further into his chair, extending his legs into the circle and flexing his feet. “Do you have a goal for yourself right now?” Dr. Allen prompted, not scolding his language as she did for Dallon.

“Nah.” Tyler muttered. As Dr. Allen made a mark on her clipboard, Ryan watched Josh rest his hand on Tyler’s shoulder and give it a squeeze before placing his hand back onto his lap.

Brendon sat up in his chair. “I’m Brendon. I’m here for depression and stuff. I just want to get better, honestly.” Dr. Allen looked confused, as if Brendon had left something out, but nodded and smiled at Ryan.

Ryan fiddled with a frayed thread on his jeans but looked up at Dr. Allen. “I’m Ryan, uh, and I’m here for anxiety.” He took a long pause and held his breath for a moment before speaking again, quieter than the first time. “And I guess I don’t want to have as many panic attacks.”

Dr. Allen smiled and nodded encouragingly. “That’s a good goal. Does anyone have anything they’d like to share with us today?”

None of the boys even moved. “OK, well, I think that’s all we need to do for today, we can talk more in our other groups. I’ll see you guys tomorrow morning.” She continued to sit, but started writing on her clipboard. Ryan watched Josh nudge Tyler towards the door once they stood up, and saw Dallon slowly stand up and leave. He turned to look at Brendon and he was already stepping towards the door. Ryan stood up and walked quickly to catch up with Brendon.

“Uh, where do we go next?” He said hesitantly, not wanting to bother the boy.

“I don’t think you have anything until after lunch. You have family group and self-esteem later, I think.”

Ryan nodded. “What do you have now?”

“Just another dumbass circle where we talk about our feelings and then family group with you.” Brendon scoffed. “But, there’s breakfast first, if you want.”

Ryan nodded hesitantly, without a proper answer to his question. “So, I can just like, go to our room or something?”

“Yeah.”

“OK, see you later then.”

Brendon raised his hand as a wave and kept walking until he was outside the building. Taking a box of Marlboro’s from the pocket of his jacket, he lit one and took a drag, rolling his eyes at the fact he was already smoking at ten in the morning. He had told himself he’d quit, but what was the point? Why prolong a life spent locked up in a hospital?

Minutes later, he put his cigarette out against his shoe and walked back inside. ~*~

After a lunch similarly awkward to dinner, Brendon and Ryan retreated back to their room. Brendon lifted his guitar again and looked at the gangly boy. “Do you mind if I play?”

“No, go ahead.” Ryan said.

Brendon watched his hand shakily strum a heavy E chord, and continue strumming quickly, louder and more aggressive than the night before. He arrived at the beginning of the lyrics, but hesitated, watching Ryan pick up his phone while tapping his foot to Brendon’s playing. He repeated the progression one more time and decided to sing.

_Do you have the time, to listen to me whine? About nothing at all and everything all at once?_

Ryan looked up at Brendon and nodded, smiling widely. His shirt wasn’t just a fashion statement, he really did like Green Day. Brendon grinned at him, his eyes not betraying the smile.

 _I am one of those melodramatic fools. Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it,_ Brendon sang.

Brendon laughed as Ryan nodded his head loosely to the beat of the guitar.

_Sometimes I give myself the creeps._

Brendon watched Ryan stare at his strumming hand and motioned for him to come over and sit on the bed, stopping playing for a moment. “C’mere.” Ryan sat down and turned towards Brendon.

The older boy shifted his guitar over to Ryan’s lap and watched his hands curl over the body naturally. “It’s an E chord and then a B.” Brendon said. Ryan slowly dragged his hand and smiled as the chord resonated in the small room. He repositioned his left hand and before he could strum, Brendon reached across his chest and gently repositioned his index finger down a fret.

“Thanks,” Ryan chuckled, but quickly frowned. As Brendon pulled his hand back, his jacket caught one of the guitar pegs and he dragged his forearm across the edge of the guitar and winced in pain.

“You ok?” Ryan furrowed his brow, not wanting to assume the worst. Brendon forced a smile. “Yeah,” but pulled his jacket sleeve down even further.

“Brendon- you didn’t. Let me see.” Ryan looked worried and looked into the boy’s eyes.

“Just stop, Ryan.” Brendon suddenly stood up, knocking the guitar in Ryan’s lap to the side. “Just fucking leave it, why do you think it’s your place to know everyone else’s shit?” He shook his head to one side and ran into the bathroom, letting the door slam.

Ryan pulled his knees to his chest and pressed his forehead painfully firmly to his knees, his hands starting to shake. He clenched his fists until his nails left marks on his palms and his breathing became shallow. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” he muttered, gasping for air and grabbing his hair with his fists and pulling as hard as he could. He grimaced and struggled for a full breath of air as he curled back into his knees and a tear fell down his cheek.

He leaned back onto Brendon’s bed and curled up, squeezing his eyes shut as if he was being beat up and couldn’t move. Brendon couldn’t hear the boy gasping for breaths through the thin bathroom walls.

Ryan laid in Brendon’s bed for a few more minutes until he could breathe again and opened his eyes. He wiped tears off his face and sat up, taking a deep breath and unclenching his fists. Why would he say anything to Brendon about the cuts? Why didn’t he think before he said whatever popped into his head?

He imagined Brendon, sitting in the bathroom, back to the door, face buried in his hands. Ryan stood up and gently knocked on the bathroom door. No response. He slowly turned the handle and pushed the door slowly, expecting Brendon to be leaning against the door. As the door opened, the first thing he saw was the blood running from Brendon’s sides onto the tile floor.

He looked like a corpse, his eyes closed, his back propped up against the bathtub and his head falling to the side. His shirt was tossed aside carelessly and slashes across his waist dripped onto his jeans and the floor. Ryan choked on his breath and stepped forward.

He knelt down to see Brendon and saw a cut shard from a soda can next to the boy. He pushed the shard away and gently pushed Brendon’s head upright, placing his hand on his cheek. “Brendon?”

The boy’s eyes fluttered open and he looked straight ahead, as if his mind was somewhere else. “Don’t tell.” He whispered. His eyes closed again. Ryan’s eyes widened as he looked at the boy at his most vulnerable. He felt like he shouldn’t be looking at the boy’s bare chest and slender shoulders and looked away. Reaching for Brendon’s cast-away shirt, he gently wiped blood away from Brendon’s sides, watching his face to see if he was hurting him. The cuts weren’t deep enough to need stitches, but they weren’t shallow.

Brendon didn’t react. Ryan stood up and walked over to his dresser, pulling out a long-sleeved gray shirt, and bringing it back to Brendon. He pushed Brendon’s head upright again and hesitated. “Brendon? I have a shirt you can wear.”

Brendon let his head fall back against the bathtub and didn’t open his eyes. “You need to go to your group. They’ll come looking for you.” Ryan prepared to insist on helping the boy, but realized that Brendon wasn’t talking about Ryan. If the nurses came looking for Ryan, they would find Brendon.

“Don’t you have a group?” Ryan asked.

Brendon chucked with no emotion. “Self-harm group.” Ryan pressed his lips together. “They won’t look for me, nobody goes to every session. But you’re new, you need to go to yours.” Brendon explained softly.

Ryan unfolded the shirt and wondered how Brendon could worry about Ryan while he was bleeding emotionless on the bathroom floor. “I think I have a few minutes. You need to get cleaned up. Here.” He placed the shirt in Brendon’s lap.

“Can you do it? I’m not sure I can lift my arms right now.” Brendon turned to look at Ryan, the first sign of feeling he had shown to the boy.

Ryan inhaled, looking at the gashes on Brendon’s sides. “OK.” He tried to sound relaxed. He grabbed the shirt and put his hand on Brendon’s back, pushing him away from the tub. He carefully lifted Brendon’s arms and slipped them into the shirt, careful not to brush his fingers against Brendon’s wrists. He pushed Brendon’s hair back and pulled the shirt over his head, gently tugging it over his chest and pulling it away from his sides.

The shirt was too big for Brendon’s small frame and draped over his shoulders. Ryan slid his hand down and held Brendon’s limp hand, pulling his arm up and standing. “C’mon.” Brendon stood up and followed Ryan over to his bed. Ryan moved the guitar down to the floor and pushed the blanket aside, making room for Brendon. Brendon sat down and hunched forward, closing his eyes.

Ryan watched him for a moment and almost felt bad for him. He looked so… helpless. Ryan sat down next to him hesitantly, not knowing if he wanted to be left alone. Brendon suddenly turned to Ryan with his eyes wide. “Thank you.” He said softly.

Ryan didn’t know what to say, and just nodded back at him. Brendon leaned his head slowly onto Ryan’s shoulder, closing his eyes, emotionally exhausted. Although the motion was tiny and gentle, the touch was like an explosive impact to Ryan, feeling a sense of warmth and closeness he hadn’t felt in a long time.

He felt guilty that he felt happy while Brendon was in pain and clearly not in his normal headspace. He was rather vulnerable and looked to be in pain rather than being guarded and indifferent. Ryan slid an arm across Brendon’s shoulders and felt his warmth. After minutes of silence, Ryan noticed that Brendon’s breathing was as slow and rhythmic as the night before, and he made sure not to move.

But, when would the nurses come looking for him? Had self-esteem group already started? He sat still, not wanting to disturb Brendon. The door handle turned and Ryan’s eyes flew to the opening door. Dallon’s head poked through the doorway and opened his mouth to speak, but saw Brendon curled against Ryan, sitting together.

“Uh- The nurses sent me to find you for self-esteem, but- I can tell them you’re preoccupied.” He smirked.

“No, no, I’m coming,” Ryan said frantically.

Dallon smiled smugly. “OK,” he laughed, closing the door.

Ryan sighed and gently laid Brendon on the bed, pulling a sheet over him.

“I’ll see you later.” Ryan whispered, not knowing whether Brendon could hear him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it didn't escalate too quickly, but I wanted to kick-start the plot and show some different sides to Ryan and Brendon. If you didn't know, the song is Basket Case, by Green Day, and you should definitely listen to it. I'm thinking of having a different song in each chapter because I had a song in the first 2 chapters, but I don't know if that's cheesy. We'll see!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Flashbacks to physical/verbal abuse, flashbacks to non-graphic self-harm
> 
> In this chapter, I tried to develop Tyler and Josh a tiny bit more, sorry if it's not great. I like Twenty-One Pilots, but I'm definitely more of a stan for Panic! and IDKHow, so I don't really know if I got the Tyler/Josh dynamic captured in the way I wanted to. (It's going to be really brief, though.)
> 
> Also I think Dallon is going to be kind of mean?? I think Dallon is honestly just easy to mold to fit any persona you want, so I think I'm going to have him be kind of mean or manipulative, but there's always room for character development. 
> 
> I also touch a little bit of Ryan's background/trauma with his dad near the end of the chapter, which I guess is a big part of the reason he's at the facility. I'm going to reveal some more about why Brendon's there a little later.
> 
> As for the Ryan/Brendon relationship, I don't want to start things too early, but I guess I'm slowly laying groundwork through awkward, confused, messed-up feelings. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

At lunch the next day, Ryan sat down next to Dallon wordlessly and hesitated before speaking.

“Yesterday wasn’t what it looked like.” Ryan said suddenly.

Dallon turned and raised his eyebrows, looking amused. “What?”

“With Brendon. He was just… tired. Nothing’s going on between us.” Ryan didn’t know why he felt the need to defend himself against Dallon. He was gay, and Brendon was super pretty. He wouldn’t mind people thinking that he and Brendon were together. But, Dallon was complicated. Ryan hadn’t seen a smile from Dallon that wasn’t a smirk, and Dallon always made it seem like he was waiting to use anything you said against you.

“I couldn’t care less if you’re fucking B.” Dallon said, not looking at Ryan and beginning to eat his food.

“Oh.” Ryan said, waiting for Dallon to elaborate. He was met with silence. “Well, we’re not. I don’t even think he likes me, he hates everyone here.” Ryan said awkwardly. He remembered Brendon’s remark about Dallon. _How could Brendon like Dallon but nobody else her_ e?

Dallon laughed at the boy’s obvious distress and raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Well, I don’t know. I don’t think he really talks to anyone here, though.” Ryan imagined Brendon, bleeding in the bathroom again. Maybe he should head back to the room to check on him.

“That’s new.” Dallon smirked. Ryan shot Dallon a confused look. “Well, I mean, it hasn’t always been that way. Half the people here have either dated or fucked around with Brendon. I’m surprised you guys haven't yet.” Ryan furrowed his brow. Brendon didn’t seem like the flirting type. He acted like he was too beautiful for anyone here. _Was Ryan really that unattractive? The residential slut wouldn’t even flirt with him?_

“Oh. I guess I don’t really know him, then. I thought he was single.” Ryan laughed, annoyed for a reason he couldn’t place.

Dallon raised his eyebrows. “Huh.” He paused.

Ryan opened his mouth to speak but saw Brendon walk over to the table and closed his mouth.

“Hey.” Brendon said, sitting across from Ryan and next to Dallon.

“Hi.” Ryan said.

Dallon sighed, and Brendon and Ryan turned to see what he was looking at. The boy named Tyer was sitting on the floor, back to a cafeteria wall and his face in hands, shaking. The blue-haired boy was kneeling next to him, placing his hands on the boy’s shoulders and mumbling words that Ryan couldn’t hear.

“What’s going on?” Ryan asked, wondering if he sounded stupid.

“Tyler has issues,” Dallon said, as if that wasn’t obvious. “He won’t talk to anyone except for Josh, but he has a breakdown daily.” Dallon scoffed.

“Are they… dating?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah.” Dallon said. Ryan watched Tyler lift his head slowly, revealing his red eyes and quivering lip. Josh leaned forward and planted a kiss on Tyler’s forehead and helped him up, walking the small boy out of the cafeteria as nurses stood alertly to the side.

Brendon watched Ryan’s concerned face. “He’ll be OK.” Brendon reassured. “Nobody really knows why he’s here, but I think he tried to off himself a few months ago. He’ll probably be out of here in a few months. I don’t know what Josh will do, though,” Brendon said, frowning.

Ryan cocked his head. It hadn’t occurred to him that some of the boys here were just temporary patients, unlike long-term residents like Ryan. “How long have you been here?” He asked Brendon.

“Two years next month.” Brendon said flatly. Ryan’s eyes widened.

“Are you here long term or...”

“Yeah.” Brendon said. He paused, considering whether to say more. “They’re gonna keep me here until I can do a better job of convincing them I’m not crazy.” Brendon chuckled dryly.

Ryan didn’t know what to say since Dallon sat with them, listening to the conversation. Dallon’s eyes glinted with a playful malice, looking at Brendon. “I can think of some things you can do to pass the time.” He winked at Brendon, who rolled his eyes.

“In your dreams, Weekes.” Dallon laughed darkly, unaffected by the rejection. Ryan watched the exchange, wondering if Dallon had ever dated Brendon based on their conversation earlier. He couldn’t tell by watching them interact.

As Brendon finished eating, he looked at Ryan. “We have family group soon, it’s down the hall to the left.” Ryan nodded as a response and kept eating in silence as Brendon left.

~*~

After two counseling sessions as useless as Ryan had predicted, he retreated back to the room as Brendon stepped outside for a smoke. Ryan sighed and flopped down on his bed. He turned and saw Brendon’s guitar on the floor next to him. He looked away and took a deep breath. The guitar practically beckoned him to pick it up. Brendon probably wouldn’t be back soon, anyway.

Ryan picked up the guitar and ran his long fingers across the smooth front of it. Pressing his left hand down, he strummed down firmly and let a single chord ring out. He gave a small smile and continued to play.

_I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face. And it never feels out of place._

Ryan sang louder than he had the other day, nobody could hear him anyway.

_And you’re still probably working, at a 9 to 5 pace. I wonder how bad that tastes._

Ryan smiled, calmer than he had been since he had arrived at the facility.

 _When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_.

He imagined Brendon and Dallon together, and something in his stomach twisted.

_When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell._

Thinking he heard a knock on the door, Ryan slipped the guitar back onto the floor and sat back on his bed, but no-one came in the room. Ryan sighed and continued to hum the verses he didn’t sing, closing his eyes.

~*~

Brendon sat down on a stone bench and took a drag, exhaling and watching the smoke evaporate.

“Where’s your pretty-boy roommate?” Brendon turned to see Dallon sit next to him.

“Ryan? I don’t know, we had family together. Why?”

“Just wondering.” Dallon smiled at Brendon. “Do you have a light?”

“Sure.” Brendon handed him a green lighter and watched him light a cigarette before handing the lighter back.

Dallon brushed his hair out of his face and took a drag, letting the calm wash over him despite the nausea that smoking made him feel. “What’s your issue with Ryan?” He asked suddenly.

“What?” Brendon turned, straddling the bench to look at Dallon.

“He doesn’t seem to know that you have quite the reputation around here.”

Brendon turned red but maintained a stoic look on his face. “He doesn’t need to know that. Anyway, I’m not that person anymore.”

Dallon raised his eyebrows. “Really? You’re telling me that the Brendon Urie has changed?”

Brendon rolled his eyes. “Yeah.” He said sarcastically.

“I’m not stupid, B. I saw the way you looked at him. Are you seriously trying to appear available for that basket case?”

Brendon looked concerned. “It’s not like that. I’m not interested in him.”

“Really?” Dallon smirked. Brendon shook his head, frustrated.

“Prove it.” Brendon was confused for a moment until he saw Dallon lean forward and felt his hand against the back of his neck.

Before he could think, Brendon was giving into Dallon’s touch and melting into him. Dallon closed his eyes and kissed Brendon as if he didn’t want anything, taking his time. Brendon sighed into him and ran his hand through Dallon’s hair. Brendon put a hand on Dallon’s chest and pushed away gently, frowning. He stood up and watched Dallon chuckle.

“It’s not going to happen, Weekes. I may not like Ryan, but I sure as hell don’t like you anymore.” Dallon sighed, and picked up his cigarette taking another drag and looking away rather than replying to Brendon. Brendon scoffed and turned away, returning to his room, finding Ryan staring at the ceiling again.

~*~

After a dinner where Brendon avoided Dallon, Brendon and Ryan laid in the dark, both wide awake.

“I won’t tell anyone about yesterday.” Ryan broke the silence softly.

“Thank you.” Brendon said and formed his words carefully before speaking again. “What happened yesterday wasn’t your fault, you know. I just… it... ” Brendon stopped, searching for the right thing to say. “When you live here for too long, it’s hard to feel something new. The days blur together.” He said, hoping Ryan understood what he meant.

“I get it.” Ryan said, wishing he didn’t understand the exact feeling Brendon was talking about.

He heard Brendon shift and turn away from him. “G’night, Ryan.”

“Night, Brendon.”

Unbeknownst to Ryan, Brendon’s mind flooded with thoughts about Dallon and Ryan. _Did Ryan know about his history with Dallon? Why would Dallon care if he liked Ryan or not? Did he even like Ryan?_

Ryan’s mind flooded with his own memories of the feeling Brendon described. Ryan remembered one of the last nights he saw his dad before he died.

“What are you looking at, boy?” His dad slurred and Ryan stopped in his tracks, making his way upstairs.

“Nothing, sir.” Ryan said quickly, trying to keep walking away from his father. His dad spun around, looking at their kitchen counter at empty beer cans before making a sound resembling a growl.

“You drank it all, didn’t you, boy?”

Ryan muttered under his breath. “Shit.”

“I didn’t touch your fucking beer! You drank it all!” Ryan hollered, running upstairs. His dad swung his arm back, and the bottle smashed against the wall, shards of glass flying into the side of Ryan’s face as he ran away from his drunken father. Ryan slammed the door to his room shut and let his tears roll down his face, stinging the cuts left by the glass. He brought his hand to his cheek and gently pulled away a small broken piece of glass. Instead of tossing it aside, he brought it to his cheekbone, dragging it down until he bled, feeling the exact emptiness that Brendon had described.

Ryan shook himself from the memory and shut his eyes tight, curling his hands into fists and trying to force himself to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of stuff happened in the chapter, this was kind of a chapter where I started telling a bunch of backstory, starting in a bunch of different places that I might return to later to explain more. I also had Brendon's ex (Dallon) make his feelings torwards Ryan more confusing, but don't worry, Ryden is going to happen soon.
> 
> I also don't really know when this is supposed to take place, because it's not really pre or post Panic!. I guess it's semi-modern because of phones and my vision of the facility, but I'm hesitant to use more recent music. I was listening to Kiss Goodnight, from IDKHow's new album (definitely listen to it!!) while writing this, and I really wanted to write it in because I thought the mood was perfect, but I went with Gives You Hell, by the All-American Rejects. I think this song is from around 2008, so a little bit later than pre-Panic!, but I love this song and wanted to write it in. I hope you liked this chapter, if you want to give feedback I would love that!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be a really short one, but I wanted to get something uploaded right now. This is half of what I planned on writing for chapter 4, I decided to split it into two chapters so I can upload something before I finish writing these scenes.
> 
> It's going to add a little more backstory, some Brendon/Ryan dynamic, and maybe you could call it a tiny bit of fluff, i don't really know.
> 
> Trigger warnings: Some flashbacks/references suicide attempts
> 
> Stay safe, I hope you enjoy!

As Brendon laid awake, he didn’t notice the first time Ryan’s breath caught. From a sliver of light shining under the door, Brendon could see the outline of Ryan on his back, and noticed as his chest began to shake. 

Brendon sat up and watched Ryan for a moment.

“No, no no,” Ryan muttered, flipping his head into his mattress and pulling his hair. “Don’t, no, no, no” He mumbled and flipped his head to the other side, arching his back into the air.

Brendon stepped over to Ryan and tried to pull his hands away from his hair by gently tugging his wrists away. “Ryan?”

The boy continued to writhe and mumble. “Ryan, wake up. You’re having a bad dream, wake up.” He pulled Ryan’s hand away from his hair and held it tightly, scared he would pull away. The boy’s eyes shot open, wide and staring at Brendon in the dark.

He sat up against the wall and let his back slump, his eyes drooping. “I finally fell asleep,” he muttered.

“I’m sorry.” Brendon said.

“No, it’s fine. I guess I wouldn’t have rather you let me finish out my nightmare,” He said, rubbing his eyes with his free hand.

Brendon didn’t let go of Ryan’s hand, and ran his thumb across Ryan’s knuckles, doing nothing to help Ryan’s racing heart. “What was it about?” He asked, not knowing if Ryan would tell him.

“My dad.”

“Oh.” Brendon sat and leaned against the wall next to Ryan. “What’s he like?” Brendon asked, not knowing how else to prompt Ryan to speak.

Ryan laughed without smiling. “He was an asshole.” Brendon noticed Ryan squeeze his hand tighter. “A drunk who didn’t care about me or my mom.”

“Oh. What is your mom like?” Brendon asked, wondering why Ryan spoke about his dad in the past tense.

Ryan curled his lips upward. “She’s lovely. He didn’t deserve her.” 

Brendon turned and gave him a small smile. “My mom’s great, too.”

“What’s she like?”

“She’s beautiful.” Brendon said, imagining his mother’s smile. “She taught me to play piano when I was five.” Brendon said, not knowing why he was telling Ryan this.

Ryan’s frown deepened. “Why are you here, Brendon?” He said softly. He hadn’t gotten a straight answer from Brendon since they had met. First it was trauma, then depression, then he had found Brendon in the bathroom, and Brendon had told him that it was because of being at the hospital. If his family was so great, what’s wrong with him?

Brendon sighed. “My dad isn’t as great as my mom.” He started. “When I was 17, he found out I was gay and kicked me out of the house. The whole family’s Mormon, so when he caught me making out with some guy, he didn’t take it well.”

Ryan held Brendon’s hand tightly.

“So I moved in with my friend Jon, but after a little while, I just felt like a burden to everybody. I could tell they didn’t want me with them.”

Ryan gulped, praying this story didn’t end how he thought it would.

“So I swallowed a bunch of pills, and days later, here I am.” Brendon let his head fall back against the wall. 

Ryan watched Brendon close his eyes and searched for the right words. “You’re not a burden.” He said, watching Brendon for any reaction. Brendon didn’t move, but he took a deep breath.

“Thank you.” He lifted his head and let go of Ryan’s hand, turning to look at his face. He looked at Ryan’s eyes, sparking in the sliver of light in the room, and let his eyes fall to Ryan’s lips. He watched Ryan’s hands begin to tremble again when he let go.

Taking one of Ryan’s big hands in both of his hands, Brendon looked at Ryan. “Where’s your dad?”

Ryan didn’t break eye contact with Brendon. “He died last year. Heart attack.”

Brendon pinched his lips together and held Ryan’s hand still. “He can’t hurt you, Ryan.”

“I know.” Ryan said, trying to sound as sane as he could manage. “It just doesn’t feel like it.”

“I know.” Brendon sat up, away from the wall and leaned forward to gently planted a kiss on Ryan’s forehead. “Goodnight, Ryan.”

Ryan didn’t let his tone show his confusion. “‘Night, Brendon.”

He laid back on his bed. What did the kiss mean? Friends try to comfort friends, right? Was Brendon just trying to make him feel better? Were he and Brendon even friends?

As Ryan replayed the kiss in his mind, Brendon imagined Ryan seeing Dallon kissing him outside just the day before and began to feel sick. Both boys eventually fell asleep, trapped in their thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No song in this one because it was originally the beginning of a longer chapter, but there will be music in the next chapter. I'm excited to start uploading some Ryden chapters next!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed, I would love feedback on anything or any suggestions for changes or future plot points!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically the second half to chapter 4, but Ryden is officially here!! No TWs for this chapter
> 
> I procrastinated writing the ending of this chapter because I felt like no matter what, I would never write it in a way that I'm happy with, but I just ended up forcing myself to write it, and I didn't proof-read or edit anything in the chapter, but it's here, and it's the best I could do. I hope you like it!

After a boring group therapy session where Ryan sat two seats away from Brendon, Ryan headed back to the room as Brendon headed to breakfast. Brendon took his time eating, not wanting to confront Ryan alone.

  
As Brendon ate, lost in thought, Dallon sat down next to him, startling Brendon.

“Hey.” Dallon said, setting his tray down and not looking at Brendon.

“Hi,” Brendon said, his mouth full. He swallowed and looked at Dallon, a sense of frustration building in him as he pictured Dallon kissing him outside the day before.

Dallon looked up and made eye contact with Brendon. “What?” He smirked.

“Nothing.” Brendon sighed and looked down.

“Regretting walking away from me?” Dallon said cockily.

Brendon slowly looked up, his forced calm expression slipping away. “Shut up, Weekes.” He growled.

Dallon chuckled.

“I was serious. It’s over.”

Dallon’s smirk almost slipped for a moment. “I don’t know if it is, B. You think I should tell your pretty little roommate a little bit more about you?”

Brendon clenched a hand into a fist under the table, giving up on any restraint he was trying to have. “I don’t fucking care, Weekes! Look, Ryan’s different. He’s not like anyone else here, and he’s sure as hell not anything like you. He’s… kind. He’s just different, OK? You were just a warm body to keep me company.” Brendon hissed.

Dallon sucked in through his teeth, frowning, for once. Brendon flinched, waiting for a perfectly venomous response from Dallon, but silence followed. Dallon just looked at the table before shaking his head to the side and standing up to walk away. Brendon should’ve felt satisfied, free to confront Ryan without Dallon meddling, but he felt defeated as Dallon walked away.

Brendon buried his face in his hands for a few minutes before leaving for another cigarette.

~*~

As Brendon walked back to the room, hoping Ryan had left for his next group, he found Ryan on the phone, lying on his bed on his back. Ryan sat up when he heard the door open, and gave Brendon a small wave. Brendon waved back and sat across the room, pulling out his phone and pretending to be occupied.

“Yeah, you can come on Wednesday!” Ryan said into his phone, pausing for a response.

“Oh.” Ryan’s small smile instantly turned into a frown. “That’s OK. Maybe next week.”

Brendon listened closely without looking up, wondering who Ryan was talking to and inviting to visit during the Wednesday-only visiting hours.

Ryan hung up and let out a sigh that was more like a frustrated groan. Brendon looked up and saw Ryan run his hand through his hair aggressively.

“Who was that?” Brendon prompted.

“My mom.” Ryan said.

“Oh.” Brendon didn’t know what to say without sounding like he was eavesdropping on the call.

“She was going to… She was going to come visit but she- she said she couldn’t come this week.” Ryan’s voice broke as he finished the sentence and he shuddered, burying his face in his hands.

Brendon was beside Ryan in an instant. “Hey, hey, it’s OK, it’s OK.” He soothed, hesitantly wrapping an arm around Ryan’s shoulders.

“I know, I just...” Ryan’s breathing slowed and he lifted his head. “I just really wanted to see her. I just want to go back home.” Ryan’s chest heaved and he took shallow breaths.

“I know, I know.” Brendon shushed. “Maybe she’ll come next week. I can meet her!” Brendon gave a small smile, which Ryan returned with a small, weak smile.

Brendon squeezed his shoulder. “We should get to family group soon.” He stood up and took Ryan’s hand, waiting for him to stand up. “C’mon.” The boys left the room and walked down the hall together.

~*~

When Brendon returned from dinner later than Ryan, he found Ryan curled on his side, facing the wall. Assuming Ryan was asleep, Brendon flopped onto his bed and looked longingly at his guitar on the floor, wanting to play but unwilling to wake Ryan. Brendon sighed and stood back up, ready to go outside for another cigarette to kill time before resigning to restlessly lying in bed.

Before he could reach the door, he heard a muffled choke come from Ryan and turned around, seeing Ryan shivering into his arms. “Ryan?” Brendon said gently, sounding concerned.

Ryan let out a soft sob and uncovered his face, revealing puffy eyes and tear-stained, blotchy cheeks. Brendon rushed to his side and perched on the edge of the bed as Ryan turned onto his back. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Brendon asked gently as he smoothed Ryan’s matted hair with one hand.

“I just- I just want to go back home.” Ryan choked out, his breathing shallow once again. Brendon sighed and tried to slowly sit the boy up.

“I know.” He sat back, closer to Ryan and took one of his cold, shaking hands.

“I know.” He said again. “It’s alone out here, you know? But it gets a little better.” He assured, unsure of whether he was telling the truth or simply trying to comfort Ryan. 

Ryan nodded but pinched his eyes shut, as if trying to keep the tears from falling. Brendon kicked his Converse off and dragged his hand away from Ryan’s to pick his guitar up by the neck. He pulled it into his lap, careful not to bump Ryan.

“Can I play for you?” Brendon asked unsurely, not knowing how to make Ryan feel better. Ryan gave him a sad smile and nodded.

“Yeah.”

Brendon took in a sharp breath and began to play a song he had been practicing for the past few days. Realizing what the first line was and unsure if Ryan would read too much into the song choice, Brendon skipped to the third verse.

_ And I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. _

Brendon sang gently, watching Ryan for any response, and saw his eyes light up when he realized what song it was.

Ryan took a shaky breath and coughed before singing with Brendon.

_ And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive. _

Brendon listened more to Ryan’s voice than his own guitar-playing, and skipped a fret as he shifted his hand to change chords. He laughed as he missed the notes, and breathily sighed, using it as a stopping point, not knowing if Ryan was simply humoring him by singing and just wanted to be left alone.

Ryan gave a sympathetic laugh when Brendon messed up, and didn’t prompt Brendon to keep going, although he could have easily listened to Brendon’s voice for forever. Brendon set his guitar back down and stood up, facing the light switch.

“I’ll let you get some sleep,” Brendon said.

“OK.” Ryan replied.

Brendon flicked the switch and moved back to his bed, peeling his jeans off and sitting down on the bed before lying back.

“Brendon?” Ryan said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Can you come back over?” Ryan shook his head, kicking himself for saying something so stupid. “Or, if you want to. Or-”

“Yeah, I’ll stay with you.” Brendon reassured, shocked that Ryan would want him near.

Ryan smiled in the dark at Brendon’s eagerness and turned away from the wall, pulling his sheets back. Brendon expected Ryan to be sitting up, but realized he was lying on his side. Unsure what Ryan expected, Brendon slowly laid down next to the boy and felt a sheet draped over his shoulders. He smiled and closed his eyes, curling in further and feeling Ryan’s warm chest press against him. He brought his hands close to his chest and felt Ryan drape an arm over his shoulder, pulling him closer.

Brendon didn’t know if this meant Ryan truly liked him or just wanted a body to keep him company. Either way, he didn’t mind, and let Ryan hold him closer, until both boys drifted to sleep faster and with more peaceful minds than they had in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't love the way the ending turned out, but I'm just going to keep writing and see what happens. I'd appreciate literally anything you have to say about it, good or bad, and any suggestions. The song was Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls, if you didn't know.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, hopefully the next update will be up in the next few days. (I need to think of some new plot points besides Brendon/Ryan's relationship and also school's a bitch)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm bringing in Ryan Seaman as a minor character (and probably Dallon's love interest) in this chapter, I felt like I needed some other stuff to be happening other than Brendon/Ryan's relationship, so yeah. Also sorry if this is confusing because there's two Ryan's now, I'm honestly getting confused writing it and I never know what to call them haha
> 
> This one is super short and not super exciting because I'm still figuring out some plot ideas and I'm really tired, but I hope you enjoy!

  
  


Ryan woke up to Brendon shifting in his arms and smiled as Brendon sleepily turned to him. “Hey,” Brendon said groggily.

“Good morning,” Ryan smiled and sat up. Brendon sat up and checked his phone for the time.

“Ugh, we have to go to group in like ten minutes.” Brendon rubbed his eyes and stood up, not knowing what to say to Ryan.

Ryan sighed and stood up, running a hand through his hair and leaving to go to the bathroom As Ryan left the room, Brendon pulled his shirt off and slipped on another oversized shirt, frowning as he smoothed the shirt down and ran his hands down the scars on his sides. After changing, he picked up his discarded Converse and sat down on Ryan’s bed to put them on.

When Ryan came out a few minutes later, his hair was wet and messily hung in his eyes and he wore nothing but a towel around his hips. Brendon stood up and went back to his bed as Ryan picked up a shirt to put on.

Brendon turned around to let Ryan finish changing and slipped his phone into his back pocket. The boys left together for group in silence a minute later.

~*~

Ryan sat next to Brendon in the circle, and Brendon breathed in Ryan’s scent as the rest of the boys filed in. Ryan noticed as Josh and Tyler sat one seat apart and didn’t make eye contact with each other. Dallon sat by himself, and an unfamiliar boy walked in last. 

He had floppy, dyed-black hair that hung over his dark brown eyes. Dr. Allen closed the door after him and addressed the group in her usual chirpy tone.

“Hi, guys!” She sat down, crossing her ankles and still holding a clipboard. “So, we have  _ another  _ new face with us today; this is Ryan.” She gestured to the black-haired boy who had found a seat across from Ryan and Brendon, and he gave a nod to the other boys. 

Ryan furrowed his brow. Another Ryan?

“Do you want to introduce yourself?” Dr. Allen prompted him. “Your age or why you’re joining us today?”

He looked at her for a moment before speaking. “Uh, yeah, I’m Ryan. I’m 20, and I’m here for EDNOS.” His voice was low, and as he flipped his hair out of his eyes, light-haired Ryan watched Dallon stare at the boy’s dark eyes as they were fixed on the ground.

Nobody responded to him, and Dr. Allen gave him a reassuring smile. “We can meet after breakfast to find some other groups you can join, but for now, why don’t you guys introduce yourselves?” She gestured to Brendon first and all the boys introduced themselves again. When it was Dallon’s turn, he fidgeted his hands in his lap and nervously watched the new Ryan as he spoke, seemingly aside from his usual demeanor.

Nobody responded after Dallon spoke, and Dr. Allen uncrossed her legs and made to stand up.. “Well guys, I think we need to do today, I’ll let you all get to breakfast.”

Ryan sighed, relieved for a short session, and walked out with Brendon moments after Josh pulled Tyler out of the room by his hand. As Ryan entered the hall, he saw Josh pull Tyler aside and speak angrily in a hushed tone.

“You just can’t leave right now!” Ryan only then saw how red Tyler’s eyes were.

“Do you know how selfish that is? I love you, but we can’t just stay here forever!” Tyler choked out.

Josh’s eyes flashed with anger, but he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Tyler’s. “I’m sorry, babe.” He whispered, closing his eyes. “We’ll figure it out.” Tyler let out a soft cry and pressed the side of his face into Josh’s chest as the shorter boy wrapped his arms around him.

Ryan realized he was simply standing in the hallway, watching the snippet of the argument, and left to go to breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW I gave up on the whole song thing because it was cheesy and stupid and I'll just end up writing the same scene over and over again, so yeah. 
> 
> But anyway, I'm sort of struggling to find an original plot to use moving forward, because I don't think Ryden can really be a plot in itself, and it's probably won't be very fulfilling to write or read without a real plot, but I don't want to "steal" from the fic that inspired this one, so I'm still brainstorming some ideas, but I'm going to find something to write. I have some short-term plot ideas for the next chapter, but we'll see where I go from there.
> 
> Hopefully the next update will be in like 2 days, but I don't really know because I'm writing this at 4am and I have school tomorrow, so we'll see hahaha


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I said the last chapter was sort but this one is REALLY short, I've been writing when I'm motivated and honestly writing in short little sections is more enjoyable for me, so the upcoming chapters will probably be short.
> 
> This one is basically just a Brendon and Ryan conversation, that's it, but they kind of figure out their relationship and it's kind of fluffy, I don't know?? No trigger warnings, I hope you enjoy!!

Once Ryan grabbed food from the food line, he walked to the table Brendon sat alone at, and sat next to him. After sitting in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, Ryan spoke. 

“Thanks, for uh, staying with me last night.” Ryan expected Brendon to roll his eyes or shrug, but the dark-haired boy turned his head and gave him a smile.

“No problem. It gets dark here when you’re alone.” He made eye contact with Ryan and didn’t break it.

“Yeah.” Ryan picked at the knees of his jeans under the table and pinched his lips together. “Brendon?” He asked shyly.

“Yeah?”

“I’m probably reading too much into it, and I’m probably about to sound like an idiot, but… I like you. Like more than as friends. I don’t know if it’s one sided or...” Ryan looked down and closed his eyes, his cheeks burning and the regret setting in.

Brendon cocked his head to the side and gave what could have sounded like a soft laugh. “It’s not.” Ryan looked up and grinned.

“Really?”

Brendon laughed. “Yeah.”

Ryan blushed and ran a hand through his hair. “So… where does that leave us?”

Brendon took Ryan’s hand under the table and looked into his eyes again. “Where do you want it to leave us?”

If Ryan hadn’t already been blushing, he would’ve turned red under Brendon’s gaze and his soft words. “I mean… Do you want to be  _ boyfriends? _ ” He said hesitantly. “I mean, if we dated, I think I would want to be exclusive.”

Brendon beamed. “Yes.” He said gently and placed his other hand underneath Ryan’s. 

Ryan smiled back and inhaled. “Well, we better get to self-esteem group.”

Brendon sighed and stood up, not letting go of Ryan’s hand. “Let’s go,  _ babe. _ ” Ryan grinned and Brendon chuckled before bringing the back of Ryan’s hand to his lips, leaving a soft kiss and then walking out together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the chapter, I hope you enjoyed! I think now the fic is going to kind of be a mix of events for Brendon/Ryan, Josh/Tyler, and hopefully Dallon/Ryan S, some fluff, and some angst and more stuff about mental health and some darker stuff. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think, any comment, good or bad, would absolutely make my day! If you have suggestions, come talk with me on twitter @justadashoffor1


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is basically pointless, sad fluff, but it's just what I felt like writing, so here it is. It's pretty short, but I hope you enjoy.
> 
> TW's for self harm and a tiny bit of negative self-talk

After a dinner that Brendon skipped, Ryan walked back to the room with a bounce in his step. 

When he opened the door, he watched Brendon fly off his bed instantly, revealing bloodshot eyes and gently red-marked wrists. 

Ryan’s lips parted and he let the door slam behind him as he stood, staring into Brendon’s eyes, unwilling to form words. Brendon’s dark eyes formed a plea. “Ryan...” His voice was raw and choked up. Ryan stepped towards him and waited for what the dark-haired boy would say.

Brendon stuttered and moved to hold his hands behind his back, Ryan’s gentle gaze seeming to burn through him. “Don’t worry, Ry. It’s not… It’s not...” Brendon didn’t know what he was trying to say. Ryan hesitated before putting a hand on Brendon’s shoulder and pulling himself closer to the other boy.

Brendon forced himself to unclasp his hands and let his hands go to Ryan’s back, not letting his wrists touch Ryan’s shirt, but bringing himself close enough to feel Ryan’s warmth and breathe in his scent. 

“What happened?” Ryan whispered, his breath tickling Brendon’s ear as he kept the smaller boy in a hug.

Brendon buried his face further into Ryan’s shoulder before lifting his head to speak. “I really don’t know,” he murmured. “It’s just… Am I...” He stuttered and took a shaky breath. “Am I good enough for you?” He choked out loudly.

Ryan’s lips parted again and he gently let go of Brendon so he could see his face. “What?” He whispered.

Brendon looked down. “I’m sorry. I just… Are you sure I’m the person you want to date, Ry?”

Ryan’s frown deepened as he heard the earnesty in Brendon’s voice. “Brendon, of course you are,” He assured. 

“Hey, look at me.” He gently lifted Brendon’s chin. “You’re beautiful, B,” he said, trying to sound confident, but unsure how Brendon would react to the affection.

Brendon gave him a small smile. “You’re beautiful, Ry.” He brushed Ryan’s hair out of his face and leaned in for a kiss. His eyes burned, his lips were chapped, and his breath was shallow, but as his lips touched Ryan’s, Brendon felt good for a moment. 

Ryan leaned in and experimentally pressed his tongue against Brendon’s lower lip. Brendon tilted his head further, exposing his neck, and Ryan leaned down, pressing a trail of feather-light kisses down to Brendon’s collar-bone.

Brendon giggled and let Ryan guide them down onto Brendon’s bed. Rather than kissing him again, Ryan faced Brendon on his side, and took a moment to just look at him. Despite how beautiful Ryan thought he was in that moment, Brendon’s eyes were rimmed with red, and Ryan knew that Brendon’s wrists probably stung.

“B, you should get some sleep,” Ryan prompted softly, not wanting to sound like he was rejecting Brendon.

Brendon sighed. “Yeah.” Ryan smiled and stood up, kicking his shoes off and making towards the light switch. Brendon was exhausted, but flipped over to face the wall, making room for Ryan to curl up next to him and wrap his arms around Brendon. Ryan sighed softly and smiled in the dark, Brendon passing out moments later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise a more eventful chapter will be coming in a couple days, with actual plot hahaha
> 
> But I hope you like this chapter, I would love feedback or suggestions!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's gonna be some more some more Dallon/Ryan S development and some sort-of fluff for Brendon and Ryan, but finally some more plot rather than filler like the last couple chapters.
> 
> (Hopefully it's clear which Ryan I'm talking about throughout
> 
> No trigger warnings, maybe a content warning for smoking weed?
> 
> I kind of just had fun and wrote what I wanted, so I hope you enjoy! (More joshler will be in the next chapter btw)

A day later, Dallon rapped softly on Brendon and Ryan’s door just as the boys were about to go to bed.

Brendon opened the door, expecting a nurse, but instead saw Dallon, messy-haired and wearing his usual smirk. 

“Hey, B.” Dallon said as Brendon opened the door wider for the tall boy to come in.

“What’s up?”

Dallon didn’t step in but gave Ryan, who was sitting on his bed, a friendly nod. “You want to head out for a little while for a smoke? He can come, too.” Dallon gestured to Ryan.

“Sure,” Brendon grinned at Dallon. Brendon turned to Ryan. “You want to sneak out for a little while?”

Ryan smiled. “OK.”

“Sweet,” Dallon said. Ryan picked up a jacket off the floor and slipped it on, following Dallon out of the room as Brendon closed the door behind them. Some of the lights were turned off in the hall and the group quietly made their way to a back door, carefully avoiding nurse’s desks.

As the boys turned a corner, Dallon carefully opened the door and Ryan followed him outside, but Brendon turned around, hearing a door softly open. He turned to face the other, dark-haired Ryan. 

“Uh...” Brendon hesitated, not knowing if the new boy knew they were sneaking out.

“It’s fine,” Ryan said, his voice as low and hollow as earlier. “Go ahead, I won’t say anything.” He gave Brendon a smile and turned to head back into his room.

Brendon gave a grateful smile, and was about to turn back around, but he paused. “You want to come?”

Ryan turned around. “You sure?” 

Brendon nodded, and Ryan followed Brendon out the door outside.

The night was pleasantly cold, and the moon lit the sidewalk well. The building was surrounded by trees in the back, but a highway could be made out past the trees if you looked hard enough. Dallon had already made his way down the sidewalk and closer to the edge of the trees, sitting on the stone bench that Brendon would sit at often. 

Ryan sat on the ground, leaning against the bench. Brendon made his way over to Dallon, the new Ryan walking behind him. 

Dallon took a drag before looking up to the sound of footsteps, seeing the new, dark-haired boy and coughing on the smoke he held in his mouth. 

“I said he could come along,” Brendon explained, confused by Dallon’s sudden flustered manner. “He’s new, I don’t know,” Brendon shrugged and sat down on the ground, shoulder-to-shoulder with Ryan, leaving the new boy to sit next to Dallon. 

Dallon passed the joint down to Brendon and let a stream of smoke leave his lips as he turned his head. Brendon took a drag and passed the joint to Ryan, holding the smoke before exhaling towards the sky, looking at the stars. “Goddamn, you don’t see stars like that in Vegas,” he muttered. 

Ryan leaned his head over onto Brendon’s shoulder. “Is that where you’re from?” He said softly.

“Yeah.”

Ryan lifted his arm up to pass the joint to the other Ryan.

“So where are you from, new-Ryan?” Brendon asked playfully.

The boy brushed his hair out of his face and took a long drag before answering. “California.”

Ryan passed the joint back to Dallon and Dallon blushed under the moonlight as his fingers brushed across Ryan’s.

Brendon shivered a few minutes later, and Ryan shifted his arm behind the smaller boy’s shoulders, shielding his neck from the rough stone of the bench and the cold air. “You cold?” Ryan asked.

Brendon shrugged and let his head fall onto Ryan’s shoulder. “Not enough to go inside.” 

Ryan nodded and shifted his hand from Brendon’s shoulders to run his long fingers through the boy’s dark hair. Brendon leaned his head back into Ryan’s touch and looked up towards the stars. Ryan watched the boy’s eyes and skin, illuminated by the moonlight, and moved his hand to trace circles on Brendon’s cheek.

“You’ve got freckles, did you know that?” Ryan whispered playfully.

Brendon grinned and chuckled. “I do?”

As Ryan ran his thumb across the bridge of Brendon’s nose as the new boy began to make awkward small-talk with Dallon.

“So, uh, why’d you end up here?” Ryan asked, unsure if the question was intrusive. 

Dallon’s stomach twisted and he choked out the word that felt like a sin. “Depression,” he said softly.

Ryan nodded and brushed his hair out of his face. Dallon wrung his hands and overthought his answer before returning the question, as if there was a polite way to have this conversation. “You?”

“Eating disorder.” He let out a short sigh and gave a sarcastic smile, trying to lighten the tension. 

Dallon finished the joint with a final exhale and pressed the warm tip to the stone bench.   
“Sorry,” Dallon shrugged, uncomfortable and flustered like a blushing teenager, but trying to show sympathy.

Ryan frowned. “It’s whatever, it’s not your fault.”

Dallon nodded. “I know. I’m just sorry you have to be here, it’s not exactly a vacation.”

Ryan chuckled and his low voice sent shivers up Dallon’s spine. “Yeah.”

Brendon started both Dallon and the other Ryan as he let out a loud laugh. Looking down, Dallon saw Ryan and Brendon, huddled together, whispering and giggling. 

“We should probably get back inside before they find us,” Dallon said, chuckling. 

The light-haired Ryan looked up and sighed. “OK.” He stood up and took Brendon’s hand, helping him up. 

Dallon and the other Ryan stood and followed the other boys back inside, Dallon holding the door open for the new boy and blushing as he was thanked. Brendon gave the other boys a small nod and a smile before taking Ryan’s hand and retreating back to their room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point honestly this fic is chaotic and disjointed and cringy, but I don't really care, I'm just going to finish writing it, no matter how awfully it turns out, and probably take it down after.


End file.
